Saturday, March 25, 2006

Another Salieri moment

Subject: Cinema
Almost 2 years ago when I got started with this blog, I confessed a bit about my obsession and disfunction about "Noir", about how I felt like the character based on classical composer Antonio Salieri in the movie "Amadeus" -- adequate in his own life, but able to recognize (and be insanely jealous of) the creative superiority of Mozart.

The real Salieri was nothing like that, of course; at least as far as history is concerned. But I can't help but feel that I've somehow cheated myself along the way.

I watched Pixar's "The Incredibles" again tonight, seeing as I've been rather dissappointed overall with what I've been watching post-"MADLAX". I knew I'd like it, and like it a lot, like I've gushed about in previous posts (holy crap, almost exactly one year ago!!). And I have to admit that I feel a bittersweet aftertaste to it.

Like I said in that post a year ago, I took a shot at working for Pixar back in their early days, and didn't come close to making the cut. But before I redoubled my efforts and attempted to get better, I "sold out" and took a comfortable corporate job; a job which has steadily grown further and further away from my goals at the time. Stuck in a cubicle (well, now I have an office) in the middle of a vast beauracracy, thinking fondly of the so-called "glory days".

Having a bout of "Post-MADLAX Syndrome" and the mid-life-crisis-inspiring angst was bad enough, but to through this on to of it was a bit much, I guess. The worst part being that I enjoy these shows immensely! They're brilliant, both in their own way.

And I can only ascribe that to some sort of jealousy.

Okay, seriously, it's not all that bad, and I get over it pretty quickly. But if I were to really want to be just as successful, I'd use them as inspiration to put in the effort I would need to make even an approximation of that sort of breakthrough. But instead it feels like I'm taking some sort of easy way out instead.

I really shouldn't complain. And I really shouldn't delude myself so much that my life would seem so unaccomplished and useless. Because that's not really true. Yeah, I'm not slaving behind a computer in a classy building in the Presido. And I'm not slaving away in a quirky little half-cubical in a Japanese studio. But who knows what the future may bring...

No comments: